I have a need to witness about how God has been working in my life, but I don’t know the words and I’m wondering how my sentences, paragraphs, and phrasing will turn out; however, my goal is to honor God and so I write – in the hope that my words will make sense when I’ve had more sleep.
I have been under attack for many years. The attacks have been of certain categories, and certainly they have attacked in waves, but have focused on two predominant categories.
The first was an attack of loneliness. I do not know whether it was caused by my family's modest gypsy-like travel docket, the assignments of a parent to be not-present, the loss of a treasured friend early on, the discovery of perversion in a public place, dreams that placed me at odds with the authorities in my family, or some combination, but the first measured attack was that of loneliness. I can distinctly remember feeling suicidal, apathetic, seeking answers and being disconnected from everyone around me. Regardless of the cause, the attacks were very real, and it was through various means that God has saved me from suicide, insanity, and worse.
The second was perversion. I believe it was introduced through the earlier public perversion, magnified by the loneliness, and reinforced through peer and family, to the point where it was the norm for many years – for perversion is a special kind of deception that implies it is its own standard. It breeds rebelliousness, pride, false-righteousness, haughtiness, and points only to itself. This, much like creating an opening for loneliness, directed me back still more to loneliness.
And so both attacks mirrored one another, the result being a life that has had much potential but for which little potential was claimed.
Of late it has been pointed out that I had chosen, some time prior to the recent framework, to agree with a few forms of perversion … the result was a spiritual deadening and destruction that directed me to still worse forms of perversion … and it has only been His holy hands and will that have given me the strength to turn away from what looked like a completely sane and perfectly natural path to walk - for God's ways are not our ways. So GREAT are His ways!!!
I write these words to both remind myself how far God has brought me and to draw attention to the two categories which God drawn me close to him - for I believe that much like before, loneliness wants to creep in and become a part of my life. I claim that God has HEALED the years the locusts have eaten, I claim deliverance, and I claim an awareness that God has something greater!
Thank you, Jesus, for reminding me that I need you, that one of my weaknesses is to choose loneliness, and that only through prayer, humility, and faith can we heal, draw closer to you, and claim the reality of hope.
Thank you, Jesus, for never giving up on me and for giving me hope – and for wanting me delivered more than I could ever imagine. And for reminding me of my weakness.